Top Actresses Vie for the Role of a Lifetime

The film rights to the life story of Joanne Pommers were recently sold, and actresses all over Hollywood have been scrambling for the role.

Joanne was born blind in a Las Vegas brothel to a drug addicted prostitue mother. Joanne would stumble around the brothel, bumping into things, until a kindly older Hispanic woman helped train an adorable golden retriever puppy to be her Seeing Eye dog. After her mother died of a drug overdose, Joanne was moved to an orphanage where she was cared for by stern faced nuns.

Despite these obstacles, Joanne rose to the top of her class and even became a world-class pole vaulter. Her Olympic dreams were dashed, when she walked in front of a competitor who speared Joanne’s leg with her pole. Joanne had the leg amputated and after working her way through college, she dedicated herself to a life of charity work.

During her travels, she was kidnapped by South American guerillas, almost died of malaria, discovered a rare plant that may unlock a cure for herpes, fought a man in China who was trying to kill a panda bear, and adopted ten babies from impoverished, racially diverse nations, most of whom have physical or mental handicaps.

When she returned to the U.S. Joanne fell in love with a Midwestern high school football coach with a heart of gold whose face was terribly scarred in a childhood fire. He didn’t let her touch his face until the wedding night. When she did, Joanne wept and said, “You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever felt.”

Then, a few nights after the wedding, one of Joanne’s children died of a rare type of lead poisoning, which set Joanne on a crusade for cleaner water in her community, despite an evil corporation’s best efforts to stop her.

Joanne’s book about her life, Blind Ambition, is already a New York Times bestseller.

Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Sandra Bullock and Melissa Leo are all said to be possible candidates.

Tom Hanks Kills Hobo, No One Cares

Today, several Brooklyn, NY residents were delighted when Tom Hanks came strolling through their neighborhood. “He was so nice!” said Renne Solspott, a local bank teller. “He said hello to everyone, shook their hands, even signed autographs.  You’d think because he’s such a big star he’d be kind of a dick. Not at all!” But things suddenly took a turn when a homeless man approached Hanks and asked him for some money. Hanks’ eyes narrowed as he pulled a hammer out of his pocket. Hanks then beat the man repeatedly over the head.

However, the witnesses did not appear upset. As soon as the homeless man took his last breath, Hanks simply looked up, wiped the blood from his face, shrugged and said, “Houston, we have a problem.”  Everyone started clapping. “He’s so charming!” a woman remarked. The residents helped dispose of the man as Hanks went to lunch. “I can’t believe I met Tom Hanks,” said Solspott as she dismembered the body. “This is the best day of my life!”

Nicholas Cage: “I Promise To Make One Watchable Movie In 2012.”

Nicholas Cage held a press conference earlier today to announce plans to make a film that people actually want to watch.  He was quoted as saying, “For far too long I have made baffling decisions regarding movie roles.  Many assumed it was a piece of performance art, like something James Franco or Joaquin Phoenix might have come up with.  I’m sorry, I’m just not that smart.  The truth is that I needed the money.  It is expensive to move your hairline every six months.  Sometimes I like it forward and sometimes I like it back.  But for those of you who stood with me through The Wicker Man, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and, of course, Drive Angry 3D, I promise to make one watchable movie in 2012!”

We spoke to the store manager of the Cinnabon, where the announcement was made.  He said, “About 7 people.  That’s how many I counted.  They seemed mighty happy after the announcement but it could have been that he finally moved out of the line so people could place their orders.  Either way it was a pretty exciting day.”

Sam Raimi Eyes Madonna For Lead Role In Nosferatu Remake

Director Sam Raimi will soon begin filming a remake of the classic horror film Nosferatu, and we hear he knows exactly who he wants to star in the lead role. Says a source: “As soon as Sam learned he had the rights, he began contacting Madonna’s people. To him, no other vampire is as physically terrifying as Nosferatu, and no human on Earth is physically scarier than Madonna.” Says another source, “It’s perfect, and they’ll save a ton of money on makeup.” No word yet on whether or not Madonna has accepted the role, and when we tried to contact her at her London home we were told that she was taking her daily bath in the blood of virgins.

Optimus Prime: ‘Transformers 2’ has “Failed Humanity”

Michael Bay recently declared that his movie Transfomers 2 was “nothing but big-budget crap.”  Now, Optimus Prime, one of the movie’s stars has spoken out about the film.  With his noble head bowed low, Optimus said:  “Autobots, with this movie we have failed humanity.”

He went on to state, “Freedom from paying ten dollars for a horrible movie is the right of all sentient beings.”  However, Optimus did express hope for the future of the series.  “This franchise must not suffer the same fate as Cybertron, whole generations lost.”  And to all of those who suffered through the film, Optimus said: “Thank you, all of you.  You honor us with your bravery.”