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Lea Michele Nearly Drowns on Glee Set

Photo courtesy of David Shankbone

Glee fans are reeling today after hearing the news of star Lea Michele’s near-drowning incident. Earlier this week, the cast became concerned when Michelle didn’t show up on set to shoot her scenes. “We looked in all her usual places,” said a cast member. “She wasn’t yelling at her hair and makeup people, she wasn’t making fun of the extras. Then, we looked at craft services where you can usually find her smelling the food that she will never eat. When she wasn’t there, we got really concerned.” They scoured the set until someone spotted a piece of Michele’s clothing floating in a nearby pool. A PA reluctantly dove in and dragged Michele to the surface.

When asked what she was doing in the pool, a shivering Michele responded: “I was walking by the water when I saw the most beautiful, angelic brown haired, big-nosed woman. I leaned down to get a closer look.  She looked right at me. I smiled at her, then she smiled back. I tried to kiss her, and then I fell in.” Surveillance footage showed that there were no other people in the pool area at the time of the incident.

A similar situation happened earlier this year in New York City, when Michele heard the most beautiful voice she had ever heard coming from a taxi cab. She ran toward it to find the source of the sound and was almost hit by a car. When asked what he had been listening to, the cab driver said a copy of the Glee soundtrack.

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Vin Diesel – Missing Link?

The famous primatologist, Jane Goodall, recently revealed the shocking history of Vin Diesel.  According to Goodall, it all started in 1970 when she came across a rather unique chimpanzee who was three years of age.  “Looking into his eyes you could see that this was a very intelligent creature.  Though he would be considered slow by our standards, I was convinced that with enough work the chimp would be able to speak.”

“It was a truly amazing discovery.  He was the link between Homo neanderhalensis and Homo sapiens.  The goal post could no longer be moved, here was living proof.”  At age 10, the subspecies astounded Jane when he picked his own name.  Having an affinity for cars, he chose Vin Diesel after the unique serial numbers assigned to motor vehicles (VIN numbers) and the diesel engine.

By 1990, Jane had made the decision to reveal him to the public.  Afraid that a general populace might find his appearance jarring, she decided to have him take bit parts in movies.  The idea was to ease an audience in. However, she made a mistake with the small part in Steven Spielberg’s Saving Private Ryan.  He became too recognizable and began to get offers for leading roles.  Under her guidance, Vin starred in one successful role after another.  After a nasty poo flinging incident lead to a falling out, Vin picked his own films which resulted in The Pacifier.  All was not lost and the two reunited in 2008 when Jane got him back on the right track in Fast & Furious.  With another Fast movie on the way the time has finally come for the truth to come out.  The complete history can be found in Jane’s new book: Vin Diesel See, Vin Diesel Do.

Nickelodeon Announces Babies Having Babies

Nickelodeon recently announced a controversial new show slated for a 2012 premiere: Babies Having Babies. It will follow girls, all ages thirteen and younger, as they deal with pregnancy. “Teen Mom has been such a success,” said an executive. “MTV is making a buttload of money. We said, ‘we need to get a piece of that’.” Word is, Nickelodeon has been toying with the idea of incorporating more pregnancy-related material onto their network for some time. In fact, in one never filmed episode of iCarly, Carly dealt with a pregnancy scare. And a script of Spongebob Squarepants in which Spongebob and his one-night-stand contemplate getting an abortion, recently surfaced.

Nickelodeon had a taste of pregnancy controversy when Jamie Lynn Spears, then the star of Zoey 101, became pregnant. But, says an executive: “Pregnant wasn’t in then. It wasn’t profitable. Now, it’s all over the place. Everyone wants pregnant teenagers on their network!” Casting will begin soon, so if you know any young girls who are dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, this could be their ticket to fame and fortune (and probably a substance abuse problem)!

Dear Lindsay

As part of an effort to revamp her public image, Lindsay Lohan recently answered a few questions from teenage girls seeking her advice. Here’s what she had to say:

Q: I have naturally red hair. Everyone tells me it’s beautiful, but, I don’t know, I kind of want a change. What should I do?

A: Change it! Natural is boring. People used to come up to me all the time and say “Wow, I love your hair, you’re so pretty”, blah, blah, blah. But, eh. I dyed my hair and I’ve never looked better. At least that’s what the people I pay tell me. I mean, just the other day, someone spotted me on the street and said, “God, Pamela Anderson looks old.” I mean, someone thought I was Pamela Anderson! Score!

Q: My parents found some drugs in my room. They’re super pissed. What should I do?

A: If I were you, I’d tell them that it wasn’t mine. Like: hey, those aren’t my pants, I just bought them. Or, I think some homeless person must have snuck into my room to hide their drugs there. Or, those aren’t drugs. It’s baby powder. I put it in my shoes sometimes. You know, something believable. If they still don’t believe you, just admit that you have a “problem” and go to rehab for like, ten minutes.

Q: I’m sick of being treated like a kid- I want people to see me as an adult. What do I do?

A: First, get naked. Do a photo shoot. But be sure it’s done in a classy way. Like, when I decided to pose naked, I did it in a blonde wig, just like Marilyn Monroe. Super classy. Or, make it arty like when Kim Kardashian wore that body paint. People will think you’re really deep. Also, don’t be afraid to play a stripper. I did, and after that, no one saw me as a kid anymore. In fact, Mickey Mouse officially disowned me.

Q: My mom is super-strict. How do I get her to let me do more stuff?

A: Probably the best thing to do is get really famous and make your mom your manager. Then, she can’t tell you what to do, because you’re paying her bills. Without you, she’d be poor and stuff. Not only will you be able to do whatever you want, but she’ll make up bullshit excuses for your behavior! It’s awesome!

Q:  I’ve been thinking about getting plastic surgery, but everyone says I’m too young. What do you think?

A: In Hollywood, there’s a saying: “You’re never too young to be exploited for profit, or to have plastic surgery”. You want to make sure that you never look old. If you start having Botox at twenty, you’ll never get a wrinkle. It’s like, scientifically proven that your boobs start to get all floppy when you get to be about twenty-five, so you’ll want to fix them before that. Remember, if you’re not beautiful, you won’t be famous, and if you’re not famous, your parents won’t love you.

Jennifer Aniston’s Secret Family Revealed

For many years the media has portrayed Jennifer Aniston as a lonely, desperate woman wallowing in the fact that she will never find love and will die someday, very much alone. Well, that image is not entirely accurate. In fact, Aniston has a secret family that no one knows about-until now.

In 2006, while she was still crying into her salad over the loss of her marriage, a friend secretly set up a Match.com profile for the star under a pseudonym. At first, Aniston was angry, but after looking through the profiles of her potential suitors, she was intrigued. The one that really caught her eye was that of Glenn Harbaugh: a handsome lawyer with two children from a previous marriage.

Jennifer and Glenn hit it off immediately- on their first date they talked about their favorite books, television shows and how much they both hated Brad Pitt. By the end of the night, they both knew they had found something special. After a year of dating, Glenn proposed. Jennifer said yes. But there was a problem. It seemed that the American public really liked Aniston’s sad sack, unlucky in love persona. If she wanted to keep making bad movies, Aniston would have to keep her love a secret.

Glenn agreed, and they were married in private. Now Glenn and his two daughters Julie and Ashley live in a house a block away from Aniston’s main residence. Despite the secrecy, sources close to Aniston say that she’s never been happier. Jennifer and Glenn are currently discussing baby plans, which Jennifer plans to conceal under guise of artificial insemination so that she can continue to be relatable to single women, divorcees and bitter people everywhere.

Kimmy Gibbler Where is She Now?

And now it’s time for our Full House: Where are They Now? to come to an end. We conclude with the best friend we were all thankful not to have: Kimmy Gibbler.

After DJ left for college, Kimmy realized that she didn’t really have any other friends and moved in with her boyfriend Duane. They discussed marriage, but every time Kimmy suggested something, he replied: “Whatever”. Luckily, Duane was sterile so they never produced any children.

Kimmy worked a series of odd jobs, and got fired from every one. She was going to enroll at community college, where she would most likely have flunked out, when she saw an advertisement for a show called: So You Think You Can Drive? Kimmy’s heart skipped a beat. Driving! The only thing she had ever been competent at! She tried out and made it onto the show. She came in third, but left determined to somehow make it onto the Nascar circuit.

At first, no one wanted to sponsor her. But after reaching an agreement (handjob) with an executive from Gold Bond Medicated Foot Powder, Kimmy got her sponsorship deal. Kimmy’s Nascar career started off much like Danica Patricks’s: lots of last-place finishes, but minus the sex appeal. Kimmy was on the brink of losing her sponsorship when she finally won her first race.

Success was a very foreign thing to Kimmy though, and she wasn’t quite sure how to handle herself. Soon she dumped Duane, to which he responded “whatever” and she started partying and sleeping around. Rock bottom came when, at DJ’s wedding, she got plastered and ended up having sex with Danny Tanner. When she woke up, she noticed that Danny cleaned before he left.  This offered a clarity of mind and she vowed to straighten up her life and focus on her racing.

Kimmy continues to be a modest success on the Nascar circuit and almost made the list of Maxim’s sexiest women in racing. She is currently in a relationship with Sharon, one of her lady mechanics.

Danny Tanner Where is He Now?

Now it’s time for the patriarch of the Tanner family: Danny Tanner

As his girls grew up and started moving away, Danny’s neuroses began to kick into overdrive. It all came to a head one day while taping Wake Up San Francisco. A man from the zoo brought his prized macaw to the show, where it proceeded to poop on Danny’s hand. Danny then unleashed an obscenity-laced tirade that was unfortunately broadcast out to all two hundred of their viewers. Danny was given a choice: enter a treatment facility or lose his job.

Once at the facility, Danny was finally diagnosed with a severe case of OCD. He met a nice manic-depressive woman named Joan, and they continued their relationship after they left the facility. Once home, Danny fell back to his old ways. Joan left him, but Danny simply deeply inhaled some Lemon Pledge and kept cleaning.

Reluctant to put him back on camera, Wake Up San Francisco offered Danny the job of producer, which was vacated by Becky when she left for LA. Danny took the job. Everyone hated him, but he ran a very tight (and clean) ship.

When YouTube became a thing, the clip of Danny cursing (Reporter Goes Bird Shit) soon went viral, and for the first time in his life, Danny enjoyed a bit of street cred. He began drinking and clubbing, but quit after having sex with Kimmy Gibbler at DJ’s wedding reception. He’s still trying to scrub off the shame.

This year he is set to appear on Tosh.O for a web redemption and continues to work at Wake Up San Francisco.


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