Archive for the 'Television' Category

Boy Meets World: Where are They Now?

The last time we saw our favorite kids from Philly, Cory, Topanga, Shawn and Eric had moved to New York City. Did they survive life in the big city? Did Mr. Feeny find another group of students to give very special lessons to? Read and find out!

Topanga

During her internship at the law office, Topanga realized that becoming a lawyer was truly her life’s calling, and fully dedicated herself to her studies. She went to school full time and worked part time at a health food store while Corey waited tables with Shawn. After several years of hard work, Topanga passed the bar and became a very successful criminal defense attorney.

It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, and soon the stress began to eat away at her. When she landed her job, Cory immediately quit his and took to their couch. Every day, Topanga had to come home to Cory lying in his own filth. Before she could even set down her powerful lady briefcase, Cory would immediately whine to her that they “Never spend any time together” and, “Is this marriage going to work?”

Bags began to form under her eyes, and her precious hair began falling out in chunks. Then, one day in court, the hippie switch buried deep inside of her flipped. While in court, Topanga immediately flung off her shoes and began to do yoga in front of the witness stand. When her downward facing dog caused the judge to find her in contempt of court, Topanga fled the scene and boarded the first ethanol-fueled bus she could find. She didn’t call Cory or even leave him a note, leaving everyone to wonder, is this the end of Cory and Topanga?

Cory

Corenelius “Cory” Matthews thought he had it made. While Topanga supported him with long hours at the law offices, he quit his job and stayed home eating pizza and watching daytime television. And that was just fine with him. At first… He began to miss Topanga, and this magnified his neurotic tendencies. When she would come home, he would question her love, complain that they didn’t spend enough time together. But he would back down whenever Topanga threatened to quit her job. He didn’t want to mess up his slovenly lifestyle.

When Topanga snapped and never returned home, Cory panicked. How could he survive without Topanga? He enlisted the help of his best friend Shawn and his brother Eric to track her down. Cory had an idea of where she might be- her family’s old vacation spot upstate. They started their journey on a bus, which was hijacked. Cory stood up shouting that nothing would come between him and Topanga.  A piece of luggage fell from the overhead compartment and knocked him out.  Seizing the distraction, Shawn and Eric took down the hijacker using an old lady’s taser. Then, when the police confiscated the bus, Cory and crew decided to hitchhike upstate. After riding with a few scary drivers, they ended up at a small auto repair shop run by one of Shawn’s relatives.

Shawn’s cousin, Stinky Eddie, wouldn’t lend them a car, but offered them the use of Jed, his best hunting dog. Luckily Cory had taken one of Topanga’s scarves with him, so he gave it to the dog to sniff. The boys followed her scent until they found her curled up in a bin of organic beets at a farmer’s market. Her pantsuit was filthy, her face was oily, but her hair had begun to regain its luster thanks to all of the fruits and vegetables. Cory then realized that he needed to do something other than drain her life force if he was going to keep his lady love sane. They decided then and there to move back to Philly together.

Shawn

When they first moved to New York, Shawn slept on Cory and Topanga’s couch. However, soon he began his “I don’t want to be a burden on you, I’m just a poor loser, wah, wah.” He packed up his duffle bag full of belongings and moved into a rat infested Chinatown apartment.  He and Cory worked together as waiters at a local diner in Brooklyn. When Cory quit to sponge off of Topanga, Shawn stayed. While there, he helped out in the kitchen and discovered a love of cooking. Soon, his hillbilly gourmet style became all the rage amongst Brooklyn hipsters who ironically gobbled down his foie gras corndogs and goat cheese and sundried tomato pizza rolls. Business was booming when Shawn got the call that Topanga was missing. He abandoned the restaurant to go look for her. While Topanga and Cory went back to Philadelphia, Shawn stayed in New York for a couple of months until his codependency got the better of him and he moved back too.

Topanga was now doing some pro bono work, and Cory was working at his father’s failing sporting goods store Matthews and Sons. Then, they heard the news that Chubby’s was closing. Together, they pooled together enough money to buy it. Cory became the manager/owner, and Shawn became head chef/owner. They renamed the restaurant Brothers.

The restaurant continues to be the popular hangout for Junior High kids in the area. In fact, it’s done so well that just last year, Shawn was finally able to purchase his first stationary home next door to Cory and Topanga’s.

Eric

When he arrived in New York, Eric rented a room from a French literature professor/drag queen named Honor de Ballsack. Eric looked around the city for a job, but was unsuccessful. Then, one day he stumbled into an audition at Good Day New York for a weatherman. He nailed it! But there was one catch. The higher ups at the station had decided that they wanted a weather woman, not a weatherman. Eric left, hanging his pretty head. When he told Honor about the setback, Honor came up with a solution- if they wanted a weather girl, then Eric would become a weather girl! With a wig on his head, and heels on his feet, Eric (now Erin) hobbled into the studio the next day and got the job. Things were going great, until he fell for a female intern.

One night when they were the only ones in the studio, Eric kissed her and revealed his maleness. Unfortunately for him, the intern was a lesbian who outed him the next day. Eric left the studio in shame. After he helped Cory and Shawn find Topanga, he decided to leave New York behind.

Eric moved back to Philly and began taking online courses in meteorology, in the hopes of one day becoming a weatherman. As himself.

George “Mr.” Feeny

After Cory and crew graduated, George decided to retire. But he soon began feeling restless. All his life Feeny had had a secret passion for antique erotica, and with his wife’s blessing, they opened their store, The Golden Clam. They are currently developing a reality show based around the business for TLC. George and his wife sold their house next to the Matthews family only to unknowingly purchase another next door to Cory and Topanga. He secretly hopes to die before their children can speak so he won’t have to give them life advice.

Morgan

The story of Morgan is the deepest, darkest secret of the Matthews family. One day at the mall, Amy slipped into a dressing room to try on an awesome oversized denim jacket. When she emerged, Morgan was gone. After an exhaustive three-hour search, the Matthews family decided to cut their losses. They popped into a local orphanage, found a girl that looked sort of like her, and began calling her Morgan. They all made a secret pact to never mention original Morgan again. New Morgan, happy just to have a home, went along with it, but as she got older she began to wonder what happened to that first Morgan. So, she began to search for the truth behind her adopted family’s back.

When new Morgan found old Morgan, old Morgan was in prison. She revealed to new Morgan that ever since that fateful trip to the mall (she was in the food court the whole time- the one place they forgot to check) she lived on the streets. She started pick pocketing, and then fell into the trap of gang violence, drugs and harder crime. Once released from the clink, original Morgan was reunited with her family and released the memoir Girl Meets World. The book was a massive success and even landed new Morgan on Oprah. However, when the mighty Oprah discovered that new Morgan had embellished parts of her story, she tore into Morgan like a double bacon cheeseburger.

It turns out that after she went missing, a new, richer family adopted her. Instead of a hardened criminal, old Morgan was a little brat who was in jail when new Morgan found her because she shoplifted a Coach purse from the mall. Eventually both families forgave the Morgans, and the girls are even developing a television show based on their experiences, A Tale of Two Morgans.

Amy and Alan

Alan continued to run his sporting goods store Matthews and Sons for a few years until a WalMart moved in across the street. Amy and Alan decided to sell the business. When Cory bought Chubby’s, he asked Alan to co-manage it with him. Alan agreed. Amy continues to be the hottest mom on the block with the worst haircut.

Jack and Rachel

When we last saw them, Jack and Rachel had traveled to Guatemala with the Peace Corps. Everything was going fine until Jack contracted Malaria. When he awoke, he thought he’d find Rachel. Instead, he found a note that read: Dear Jack, when I thought you were going to die, I didn’t really care. I guess that means I don’t love you. Goodbye. Jack later found out that she had met a dashing Guatemalan who also happened to be a drug lord. Upset, Jack left Guatemala and decided to travel the world. While in Paris, he ran into Angela. They drank too much wine and spent a night together, but decided they could never speak of it, as it would destroy Shawn. Jack is now developing a travel show he wanted to call Jack Meets World, but scrapped it after Morgan’s similarly named book was burned by housewives across the country at Oprah’s urging. No one has heard from Rachel, she is presumed dead.

Angela

Angela moved around Europe for a while and didn’t think much about her old life until she ran into Jack in Paris. After Jack left, she began thinking about Shawn, and soon found an article about him and his New York restaurant. Angela decided that she had to see him one last time and flew to New York. However, by the time she got there, Shawn had already left for Philly. Angela wrestled with whether or not to pursue it further, and finally, she went. She found Shawn standing outside his new home saying, “Do I deserve this?” Angela of course tapped him on the back and said, “Of course you do.” They began dating again and have plans to marry. To this day, Shawn has no idea about her fling with Jack. She worries that the wedding will be very awkward.

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Lea Michele Nearly Drowns on Glee Set

Photo courtesy of David Shankbone

Glee fans are reeling today after hearing the news of star Lea Michele’s near-drowning incident. Earlier this week, the cast became concerned when Michelle didn’t show up on set to shoot her scenes. “We looked in all her usual places,” said a cast member. “She wasn’t yelling at her hair and makeup people, she wasn’t making fun of the extras. Then, we looked at craft services where you can usually find her smelling the food that she will never eat. When she wasn’t there, we got really concerned.” They scoured the set until someone spotted a piece of Michele’s clothing floating in a nearby pool. A PA reluctantly dove in and dragged Michele to the surface.

When asked what she was doing in the pool, a shivering Michele responded: “I was walking by the water when I saw the most beautiful, angelic brown haired, big-nosed woman. I leaned down to get a closer look.  She looked right at me. I smiled at her, then she smiled back. I tried to kiss her, and then I fell in.” Surveillance footage showed that there were no other people in the pool area at the time of the incident.

A similar situation happened earlier this year in New York City, when Michele heard the most beautiful voice she had ever heard coming from a taxi cab. She ran toward it to find the source of the sound and was almost hit by a car. When asked what he had been listening to, the cab driver said a copy of the Glee soundtrack.

Nickelodeon Announces Babies Having Babies

Nickelodeon recently announced a controversial new show slated for a 2012 premiere: Babies Having Babies. It will follow girls, all ages thirteen and younger, as they deal with pregnancy. “Teen Mom has been such a success,” said an executive. “MTV is making a buttload of money. We said, ‘we need to get a piece of that’.” Word is, Nickelodeon has been toying with the idea of incorporating more pregnancy-related material onto their network for some time. In fact, in one never filmed episode of iCarly, Carly dealt with a pregnancy scare. And a script of Spongebob Squarepants in which Spongebob and his one-night-stand contemplate getting an abortion, recently surfaced.

Nickelodeon had a taste of pregnancy controversy when Jamie Lynn Spears, then the star of Zoey 101, became pregnant. But, says an executive: “Pregnant wasn’t in then. It wasn’t profitable. Now, it’s all over the place. Everyone wants pregnant teenagers on their network!” Casting will begin soon, so if you know any young girls who are dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, this could be their ticket to fame and fortune (and probably a substance abuse problem)!

Kimmy Gibbler Where is She Now?

And now it’s time for our Full House: Where are They Now? to come to an end. We conclude with the best friend we were all thankful not to have: Kimmy Gibbler.

After DJ left for college, Kimmy realized that she didn’t really have any other friends and moved in with her boyfriend Duane. They discussed marriage, but every time Kimmy suggested something, he replied: “Whatever”. Luckily, Duane was sterile so they never produced any children.

Kimmy worked a series of odd jobs, and got fired from every one. She was going to enroll at community college, where she would most likely have flunked out, when she saw an advertisement for a show called: So You Think You Can Drive? Kimmy’s heart skipped a beat. Driving! The only thing she had ever been competent at! She tried out and made it onto the show. She came in third, but left determined to somehow make it onto the Nascar circuit.

At first, no one wanted to sponsor her. But after reaching an agreement (handjob) with an executive from Gold Bond Medicated Foot Powder, Kimmy got her sponsorship deal. Kimmy’s Nascar career started off much like Danica Patricks’s: lots of last-place finishes, but minus the sex appeal. Kimmy was on the brink of losing her sponsorship when she finally won her first race.

Success was a very foreign thing to Kimmy though, and she wasn’t quite sure how to handle herself. Soon she dumped Duane, to which he responded “whatever” and she started partying and sleeping around. Rock bottom came when, at DJ’s wedding, she got plastered and ended up having sex with Danny Tanner. When she woke up, she noticed that Danny cleaned before he left.  This offered a clarity of mind and she vowed to straighten up her life and focus on her racing.

Kimmy continues to be a modest success on the Nascar circuit and almost made the list of Maxim’s sexiest women in racing. She is currently in a relationship with Sharon, one of her lady mechanics.

Danny Tanner Where is He Now?

Now it’s time for the patriarch of the Tanner family: Danny Tanner

As his girls grew up and started moving away, Danny’s neuroses began to kick into overdrive. It all came to a head one day while taping Wake Up San Francisco. A man from the zoo brought his prized macaw to the show, where it proceeded to poop on Danny’s hand. Danny then unleashed an obscenity-laced tirade that was unfortunately broadcast out to all two hundred of their viewers. Danny was given a choice: enter a treatment facility or lose his job.

Once at the facility, Danny was finally diagnosed with a severe case of OCD. He met a nice manic-depressive woman named Joan, and they continued their relationship after they left the facility. Once home, Danny fell back to his old ways. Joan left him, but Danny simply deeply inhaled some Lemon Pledge and kept cleaning.

Reluctant to put him back on camera, Wake Up San Francisco offered Danny the job of producer, which was vacated by Becky when she left for LA. Danny took the job. Everyone hated him, but he ran a very tight (and clean) ship.

When YouTube became a thing, the clip of Danny cursing (Reporter Goes Bird Shit) soon went viral, and for the first time in his life, Danny enjoyed a bit of street cred. He began drinking and clubbing, but quit after having sex with Kimmy Gibbler at DJ’s wedding reception. He’s still trying to scrub off the shame.

This year he is set to appear on Tosh.O for a web redemption and continues to work at Wake Up San Francisco.

Comet Where is He Now?

Full House: Where are They Now? continues with the family dog Comet.

Where is he now? He’s dead of course. He’s a dog. It’s been like sixteen years since the show ended.

Uncle Jesse Where is He Now?

Full House: Where are They now continues with our favorite hot uncle: Hermes “Jesse” Katsopolis.

After a brief hiatus, Jesse and the Rippers reunited under the condition that they would simply be known as The Rippers. Jesse agreed, but they broke up a few months later when their new song “Have Mercy” went nowhere. Adding insult to injury, Jesse’s Smash Club burned down shortly after the breakup of the band when one of the ladies of REM decided to try out her fire breathing technique during the show. Ten people, most of them under the age of fifteen, were killed.

Jesse spent his days taking care of Nicky and Alex while Becky continued on Wake Up San Francisco. One day Jesse and the boys were walking around the mall when a talent scout from the Disney Channel approached them and asked if the boys would be interested in doing a show. Jesse and Becky agreed, but only if Jesse was involved. Disney agreed, so they packed it up and moved to LA.

The twin’s show Four Fathers, told the story of twin boys living with their father, grandfather, and the ghosts of their great and great-great grandfathers in a big, spooky house. And, of course, they also have a band. The show was a hit. But the long hours wore on the family.

Becky, now a correspondent on Celebrity Now! was rumored to have had an affair with Sebastian Bach. Jesse and Becky separated briefly, but they reunited when the twins set up a Parent Trap style dinner where they played Jesse’s song “Forever”. Their love was rekindled again.

Four seasons later, Nicky and Alex decided to leave show business and pursue a normal life and attend college. They soon found out though that normal life can be tough and doesn’t pay as well as Hollywood life, so they dropped out of school and started recording music. They’ve had modest success with their cover of “Forever” and are now touring with Hanson. They’re currently developing a reality show with Ryan Seacrest.

Jesse plays bongos in a Beach Boys tribute band, Good Vibrations and is developing his own line of hair care products. Becky got her old job at Wake Up San Francisco back and continues to support the family.


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