Archive for the 'Movies' Category

Top Actresses Vie for the Role of a Lifetime

The film rights to the life story of Joanne Pommers were recently sold, and actresses all over Hollywood have been scrambling for the role.

Joanne was born blind in a Las Vegas brothel to a drug addicted prostitue mother. Joanne would stumble around the brothel, bumping into things, until a kindly older Hispanic woman helped train an adorable golden retriever puppy to be her Seeing Eye dog. After her mother died of a drug overdose, Joanne was moved to an orphanage where she was cared for by stern faced nuns.

Despite these obstacles, Joanne rose to the top of her class and even became a world-class pole vaulter. Her Olympic dreams were dashed, when she walked in front of a competitor who speared Joanne’s leg with her pole. Joanne had the leg amputated and after working her way through college, she dedicated herself to a life of charity work.

During her travels, she was kidnapped by South American guerillas, almost died of malaria, discovered a rare plant that may unlock a cure for herpes, fought a man in China who was trying to kill a panda bear, and adopted ten babies from impoverished, racially diverse nations, most of whom have physical or mental handicaps.

When she returned to the U.S. Joanne fell in love with a Midwestern high school football coach with a heart of gold whose face was terribly scarred in a childhood fire. He didn’t let her touch his face until the wedding night. When she did, Joanne wept and said, “You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever felt.”

Then, a few nights after the wedding, one of Joanne’s children died of a rare type of lead poisoning, which set Joanne on a crusade for cleaner water in her community, despite an evil corporation’s best efforts to stop her.

Joanne’s book about her life, Blind Ambition, is already a New York Times bestseller.

Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Sandra Bullock and Melissa Leo are all said to be possible candidates.

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Vin Diesel – Missing Link?

The famous primatologist, Jane Goodall, recently revealed the shocking history of Vin Diesel.  According to Goodall, it all started in 1970 when she came across a rather unique chimpanzee who was three years of age.  “Looking into his eyes you could see that this was a very intelligent creature.  Though he would be considered slow by our standards, I was convinced that with enough work the chimp would be able to speak.”

“It was a truly amazing discovery.  He was the link between Homo neanderhalensis and Homo sapiens.  The goal post could no longer be moved, here was living proof.”  At age 10, the subspecies astounded Jane when he picked his own name.  Having an affinity for cars, he chose Vin Diesel after the unique serial numbers assigned to motor vehicles (VIN numbers) and the diesel engine.

By 1990, Jane had made the decision to reveal him to the public.  Afraid that a general populace might find his appearance jarring, she decided to have him take bit parts in movies.  The idea was to ease an audience in. However, she made a mistake with the small part in Steven Spielberg’s Saving Private Ryan.  He became too recognizable and began to get offers for leading roles.  Under her guidance, Vin starred in one successful role after another.  After a nasty poo flinging incident lead to a falling out, Vin picked his own films which resulted in The Pacifier.  All was not lost and the two reunited in 2008 when Jane got him back on the right track in Fast & Furious.  With another Fast movie on the way the time has finally come for the truth to come out.  The complete history can be found in Jane’s new book: Vin Diesel See, Vin Diesel Do.

Dear Lindsay

As part of an effort to revamp her public image, Lindsay Lohan recently answered a few questions from teenage girls seeking her advice. Here’s what she had to say:

Q: I have naturally red hair. Everyone tells me it’s beautiful, but, I don’t know, I kind of want a change. What should I do?

A: Change it! Natural is boring. People used to come up to me all the time and say “Wow, I love your hair, you’re so pretty”, blah, blah, blah. But, eh. I dyed my hair and I’ve never looked better. At least that’s what the people I pay tell me. I mean, just the other day, someone spotted me on the street and said, “God, Pamela Anderson looks old.” I mean, someone thought I was Pamela Anderson! Score!

Q: My parents found some drugs in my room. They’re super pissed. What should I do?

A: If I were you, I’d tell them that it wasn’t mine. Like: hey, those aren’t my pants, I just bought them. Or, I think some homeless person must have snuck into my room to hide their drugs there. Or, those aren’t drugs. It’s baby powder. I put it in my shoes sometimes. You know, something believable. If they still don’t believe you, just admit that you have a “problem” and go to rehab for like, ten minutes.

Q: I’m sick of being treated like a kid- I want people to see me as an adult. What do I do?

A: First, get naked. Do a photo shoot. But be sure it’s done in a classy way. Like, when I decided to pose naked, I did it in a blonde wig, just like Marilyn Monroe. Super classy. Or, make it arty like when Kim Kardashian wore that body paint. People will think you’re really deep. Also, don’t be afraid to play a stripper. I did, and after that, no one saw me as a kid anymore. In fact, Mickey Mouse officially disowned me.

Q: My mom is super-strict. How do I get her to let me do more stuff?

A: Probably the best thing to do is get really famous and make your mom your manager. Then, she can’t tell you what to do, because you’re paying her bills. Without you, she’d be poor and stuff. Not only will you be able to do whatever you want, but she’ll make up bullshit excuses for your behavior! It’s awesome!

Q:  I’ve been thinking about getting plastic surgery, but everyone says I’m too young. What do you think?

A: In Hollywood, there’s a saying: “You’re never too young to be exploited for profit, or to have plastic surgery”. You want to make sure that you never look old. If you start having Botox at twenty, you’ll never get a wrinkle. It’s like, scientifically proven that your boobs start to get all floppy when you get to be about twenty-five, so you’ll want to fix them before that. Remember, if you’re not beautiful, you won’t be famous, and if you’re not famous, your parents won’t love you.

Scarlett Johansson Attempts to Impress Hipsters

While relaxing at an internet cafe in SoHo, Scarlett Johansson attempted to win over a group of local hipsters Sunday afternoon. According to a source close to Scarlett: “She had recently studied the hipster lifestyle for a role she was auditioning for.  This gave her a false confidence to win over the crowd.”

At first everything appeared to go well.  She commented on how much she loved Thundercats, Atari and Arcade Fire – before the Grammys, when they were cool.  She was even clever enough to make up a concert she attended for a band she called Trickster 7.  Quoted a source, “They have a really great sound, people just haven’t heard of them yet.”  However, one miscalculation turned the plaid covered crowd against her.  She declared that she didn’t like Jurassic Park.  Unfortunately she didn’t realize that everyone likes Jurassic Park, even the counterculture.  Our source let us know that, “if it wasn’t for their skinny jeans hindering their leg movement, she may not have gotten out alive.”  Scarlett is currently recovering from an onslaught of Twitter attacks.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow Writes Children’s Book

It was announced today that Gwyneth Paltrow has written a children’s book, and we got a peek at the finished product! It’s called The Perils of Princess Perfect. Gwyneth said she wanted to write the book because: “Growing up, I always felt a little bit odd. People seemed to resent how beautiful, rich, talented and special I was. Sometimes it could be really tough. In writing this story, I want to give other exceptional, privileged children something that they could relate to. It’s something that I wish I had had growing up.”

The Perils of Princess Perfect

Princess Perfect was born in a castle to a very rich and beautiful queen and a handsome king. Everyone who met Princess Perfect agreed that she was the smartest, most beautiful creature that the world had ever seen.

When Princess Perfect grew up, she found that she was good at everything she did. Whenever the palace would put on a play, she would be picked to play the lead. She also had a singing voice so beautiful, she made the birds sound tone deaf.  She wore the most beautiful clothes. The princess was also a wonderful cook who showed the other more experienced cooks what they were doing wrong, and how they could do it better.

But not everyone was pleased with Princess Perfect. They were jealous of how perfect she was. They said mean things about her. They even called her names like snob and pretentious. Names that most children her age would not understand, but Princess Perfect did since she was so much more advanced.

“Mama,” said Princess Perfect, with a slight British accent. “Why do people hate me?”

“Oh, my dear,” said the Queen. “People just don’t understand how someone can be so perfect.”

Princess Perfect hung her flawless head. Her beautiful golden hair fell over her slender shoulders. “Maybe I could try being not so perfect.”

“No,” said the Queen. She placed her hand under Princess Perfect’s chin and lifted her face toward hers. “Never stop being who you are.”

So from that day forward, Princess Perfect continued to do everything perfectly, and soon, everyone in the world loved her. And even if they didn’t, Princess Perfect took comfort in the fact that she would always be better than them.

The End

Jesse Eisenberg to Star in Michael Cera Biopic

A script focusing on the life of Michael Cera had undergone a bidding war between 20th Century Fox and Warner Bros. two years ago.  Ultimately Warner Bros. won out but had trouble finding a lead.  One of Warner’s executives, who wanted to remain anonymous, told us, “It was really important that we find an actor who could capture the range of Michael Cera.  Sometimes he’s a quiet guy figuring out life with wit and sometimes he’s a soft spoken man with a dry sense of humor.  Really challenging stuff.”  It seemed like a hopeless cause until the release of The Social Network in 2010.  “Finally, we found our man.  Jesse had exactly what we were looking for.  He seemed slightly boring, probably preferred wearing a lot of earth tones and corduroy pants.  It’s perfect.”

Jesse Eisenberg has been none too shy about expressing his enthusiasm for the role.  “Michael has had such an amazing career – Arrested Development, Superbad.  This is a really ambitious project.  I don’t think anyone has ever made a trilogy out of the life of one man.”  TriCeratops Part I will begin filming this summer.

 

Family History of Sean Penn Revealed

Harold Pennis, a 49 year old accountant, was amazed to find out he had a celebrity in his family tree.  Encouraged by his wife to research the history of their family name, Harold spoke with relatives and began to piece together his genealogy.  He was able to link himself to a man named Leo Pennis.  Fearing his name would prevent him from a lasting career in Hollywood, Leo changed his name to Penn.  Leo Penn happens to be a director and father to Academy Award winner Sean Penn.  “It’s so exciting”, Harold told us, “our family has always been known for modest successes.  But I feel like the Pennis’s have really grown and Sean is the biggest Pennis there is!”  Sean Penn was unavailable for comment.


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