Archive for the 'Humor' Category

Leo DiCaprio to Hold Casting Calls for New Girlfriend

Right after the news broke that Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Rafaeli ended their five-year relationship, we learned that Leo will soon be holding casting calls for his new girlfriend. There are currently castings scheduled in New York, Los Angeles, London and Milan, although more locations may be announced soon. Lest you should decided to attend, we’ve discovered that all potential girlfriends must possess the following qualities:

-At least 5’9

-Weigh 100-125 lbs

-Have had a high-profile modeling career for at least three years

-Foreign born and semi-exotic but still white (i.e. Gisele)

-19-25 years of age

Top candidates will have appeared in Victoria’s Secret, although up and comers with potential will be considered.


A Royal Wedding Happened Today!

All eyes were on Cincinnati, Ohio today as Fred Mickson, son of Joe Mickson, the used-car king of the Midwest, finally wed his longtime girlfriend Joanne Dimms. Fred and Joanne met while they were both students at Ohio University. Everyone expected Fred to choose a wife with royal blood such as Ginger Finger, daughter of Phineas Finger, the Sausage King of Ohio. But when Fred met Joanne in Art History class, he knew that even though she was a commoner, she was the one for him. After nine years of dating, Jared received the blessing of his grandmother, the original Mixon Used Car Queen, and popped the question. The ring was a one-carat heart-shaped stunner from Jared: The Galleria of Jewelry.

Ever since the news of the wedding broke, people have been speculating about all aspects of the event. First, we learned that there would be an open bar, but only beer and wine would be served.  Next, people went crazy when their save-the-date cards allowed them to access the couple’s wedding website on which was described by a lucky guest as “Super classy.” Then, it was discovered that they would play the “Electric Slide”, but not the “YMCA”. Now, the other details can finally be revealed:

Wedding dress designer: David’s Bridal

Maid of Honor: Joanne’s bitter, never-before-married sister Justine.

Flowers: Pink and white daisies.

Entertainment: Joanne’s second cousin who DJs on the weekends.

Food: Choice of chicken or beef with a side of roasted potatoes

First dance song: My Heart Will Go On.

First person to fall down drunk: Joanne’s college roommate Ellen.

Cake: Chocolate with vanilla icing.

First person to vomit on themselves: Fred’s drunk-for-the first-time cousin Andrew.

We’ll update with more news from the wedding of the century as it becomes available. If you’d like to send the royal couple a gift, they are registered at Target and Bed Bath and Beyond. Reportedly they’d really, really like one of those KitchenAid mixers.

Camilla Parker Bowles’s Magic Mirror Assures Her That She is the Fairest of Them All

The clamor over the upcoming royal wedding and the new Princess-to-be Kate Middleton, has left Camilla Parker Bowles feeling a little insecure. To fulfill  her constant need for compliments, Prince Charles purchased his wife a magic mirror. At first the mirror wanted to tell Camilla that on the fairness scale, she fell somewhere between Fergie and Charles’s half-ogre fourth cousin the Royal Family keeps chained up in a tower. But after a swift threat with the hammer, it quickly told Camilla that she was the fairest royal in all the land. However, some insiders have become a bit concerned over Camilla’s obsession with her new mirror. Reportedly, she sits in front of it night and day, and those closest to her are worried what the mirror will say when Kate officially becomes a member of the Royal Family and the lie becomes much too great. An alert has gone up warning those close to Kate Middleton to prevent her from eating any apples on her wedding day, especially if they are hand delivered by old hags.

An Excerpt From Gwyneth Paltrow’s Cookbook

A little while ago, we showed you an excerpt from Gwyneth Paltrow’s upcoming children’s book Princess Perfect. Now, we have an excerpt from her new cookbook. After reading this, it’s no wonder people are calling her the prettier, more down-to-Earth Martha Stewart!

Gwyneth’s Grilled Cheese

Sometimes after a three-hour dance workout and a Vogue photo shoot (in the same day!) I just don’t have the time or the energy to watch my private chef prepare an elaborate meal. So, I relish those recipes that are quick and that the children love. Here is one that is so simple and easy, even the nanny can whip it up in a pinch.

Send your assistant or grocery concierge to pick up the following items at the local upscale farmer’s market or Whole Foods (if you’re shopping on a budget):

1 kilo Caciocavallo Podolico cheese. You may have to fly this in from Italy. If you don’t have your own private plane for cheese runs (I myself am sharing my cheese jet-this economy!), you can substitute any quality cheese. My children adore this farm fresh cheddar made from the milk of an albino cow that lives in a Scottish castle. It’s only available once a year, but at $500 a lb, it’s quite affordable!

5 ounces white truffles, shaved

1 loaf of sourdough bread. But make sure that it’s freshly prepared by your live-in baker in your backyard bread oven. A splurge, I know, but so totally worth it!

Feel free to add any of the following if you have them lying around the house: caviar, foie gras, Wagyu beef, or lobster.

Once grilled, adorn the bread with a bit of edible gold leaf.

Once the ingredients are assembled, sit back, have a glass of wine and wait as your chef prepares your meal. Be sure to call the children to dinner and don’t be upset if they ask to take their plates upstairs to eat with their nannies. Also, don’t be upset when you hear the children call their nannies Mommy. It’s certainly just a phase, right?

Then, smell your sandwich, or, if you’re feeling naughty, have a bite. Yummy! My mother used to have our cook make this for me as a little girl, so it brings back such wonderful memories. Then, if you decided to have that bite, it’s time for another three hours of dance aerobics to burn off the calories!

Top Actresses Vie for the Role of a Lifetime

The film rights to the life story of Joanne Pommers were recently sold, and actresses all over Hollywood have been scrambling for the role.

Joanne was born blind in a Las Vegas brothel to a drug addicted prostitue mother. Joanne would stumble around the brothel, bumping into things, until a kindly older Hispanic woman helped train an adorable golden retriever puppy to be her Seeing Eye dog. After her mother died of a drug overdose, Joanne was moved to an orphanage where she was cared for by stern faced nuns.

Despite these obstacles, Joanne rose to the top of her class and even became a world-class pole vaulter. Her Olympic dreams were dashed, when she walked in front of a competitor who speared Joanne’s leg with her pole. Joanne had the leg amputated and after working her way through college, she dedicated herself to a life of charity work.

During her travels, she was kidnapped by South American guerillas, almost died of malaria, discovered a rare plant that may unlock a cure for herpes, fought a man in China who was trying to kill a panda bear, and adopted ten babies from impoverished, racially diverse nations, most of whom have physical or mental handicaps.

When she returned to the U.S. Joanne fell in love with a Midwestern high school football coach with a heart of gold whose face was terribly scarred in a childhood fire. He didn’t let her touch his face until the wedding night. When she did, Joanne wept and said, “You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever felt.”

Then, a few nights after the wedding, one of Joanne’s children died of a rare type of lead poisoning, which set Joanne on a crusade for cleaner water in her community, despite an evil corporation’s best efforts to stop her.

Joanne’s book about her life, Blind Ambition, is already a New York Times bestseller.

Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Sandra Bullock and Melissa Leo are all said to be possible candidates.

Adele Offered Reality Show, Replies ‘No Thanks, I’m Actually Talented’

Singer Adele’s new album 21 is steadily climbing the US charts, but there are some people that think she could benefit from more exposure. Ryan Seacrest, the biggest little man in reality television, recently pitched the idea of a reality show to Adele and her management. We obtained a transcript of their conversation.

Ryan: Adele, baby, hi!

Adele: Hello.

Ryan: Love the new album. It’s fantastic!

Adele: Thank you. I worked really hard on it.

Ryan: But you know what you need? More fame. And you know how you can get it? Two words: reality television.

Adele: Oh, I don’t know.

Ryan: Get this. A recent poll found that Americans don’t acknowledge a person exists unless they’re on TV.

Adele: Is that true?

Ryan: Yeah, I read it on the Internet. Now listen. I can make you as famous as the Kardashians.

Adele: The who?

Ryan: Ha! You’re hilarious! Now, you’ll need a couple of things. Do you have a less attractive sister? A domineeting mother? How about another one with a douchebag boyfriend? How do feel about getting plastic surgery on TV? Ever considered butt implants?

Adele: Plastic surgery? What exactly do these Kardashians do?

Ryan: You know, they’re famous.

Adele: Are they actresses?

Ryan: They act like they’re real human beings. They’re pretty convincing too!

Adele: Singers?

Ryan: Well, Kim did record a single. The computer did most of the singing, but you could buy it on iTunes!

Adele: You know what Ryan, I think I’m going to go.

Ryan: What? But we could get you a sponsorship deal from a diet pill company! Or, we can arrange for you to date a professional athlete! Come on, everyone wants their own show!

Adele: No thanks, I think I’m going to pass. I’m actually talented.

Lea Michele Nearly Drowns on Glee Set

Photo courtesy of David Shankbone

Glee fans are reeling today after hearing the news of star Lea Michele’s near-drowning incident. Earlier this week, the cast became concerned when Michelle didn’t show up on set to shoot her scenes. “We looked in all her usual places,” said a cast member. “She wasn’t yelling at her hair and makeup people, she wasn’t making fun of the extras. Then, we looked at craft services where you can usually find her smelling the food that she will never eat. When she wasn’t there, we got really concerned.” They scoured the set until someone spotted a piece of Michele’s clothing floating in a nearby pool. A PA reluctantly dove in and dragged Michele to the surface.

When asked what she was doing in the pool, a shivering Michele responded: “I was walking by the water when I saw the most beautiful, angelic brown haired, big-nosed woman. I leaned down to get a closer look.  She looked right at me. I smiled at her, then she smiled back. I tried to kiss her, and then I fell in.” Surveillance footage showed that there were no other people in the pool area at the time of the incident.

A similar situation happened earlier this year in New York City, when Michele heard the most beautiful voice she had ever heard coming from a taxi cab. She ran toward it to find the source of the sound and was almost hit by a car. When asked what he had been listening to, the cab driver said a copy of the Glee soundtrack.


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