A Royal Wedding Happened Today!

All eyes were on Cincinnati, Ohio today as Fred Mickson, son of Joe Mickson, the used-car king of the Midwest, finally wed his longtime girlfriend Joanne Dimms. Fred and Joanne met while they were both students at Ohio University. Everyone expected Fred to choose a wife with royal blood such as Ginger Finger, daughter of Phineas Finger, the Sausage King of Ohio. But when Fred met Joanne in Art History class, he knew that even though she was a commoner, she was the one for him. After nine years of dating, Jared received the blessing of his grandmother, the original Mixon Used Car Queen, and popped the question. The ring was a one-carat heart-shaped stunner from Jared: The Galleria of Jewelry.

Ever since the news of the wedding broke, people have been speculating about all aspects of the event. First, we learned that there would be an open bar, but only beer and wine would be served.  Next, people went crazy when their save-the-date cards allowed them to access the couple’s wedding website on TheKnot.com which was described by a lucky guest as “Super classy.” Then, it was discovered that they would play the “Electric Slide”, but not the “YMCA”. Now, the other details can finally be revealed:

Wedding dress designer: David’s Bridal

Maid of Honor: Joanne’s bitter, never-before-married sister Justine.

Flowers: Pink and white daisies.

Entertainment: Joanne’s second cousin who DJs on the weekends.

Food: Choice of chicken or beef with a side of roasted potatoes

First dance song: My Heart Will Go On.

First person to fall down drunk: Joanne’s college roommate Ellen.

Cake: Chocolate with vanilla icing.

First person to vomit on themselves: Fred’s drunk-for-the first-time cousin Andrew.

We’ll update with more news from the wedding of the century as it becomes available. If you’d like to send the royal couple a gift, they are registered at Target and Bed Bath and Beyond. Reportedly they’d really, really like one of those KitchenAid mixers.