Dear Lindsay

As part of an effort to revamp her public image, Lindsay Lohan recently answered a few questions from teenage girls seeking her advice. Here’s what she had to say:

Q: I have naturally red hair. Everyone tells me it’s beautiful, but, I don’t know, I kind of want a change. What should I do?

A: Change it! Natural is boring. People used to come up to me all the time and say “Wow, I love your hair, you’re so pretty”, blah, blah, blah. But, eh. I dyed my hair and I’ve never looked better. At least that’s what the people I pay tell me. I mean, just the other day, someone spotted me on the street and said, “God, Pamela Anderson looks old.” I mean, someone thought I was Pamela Anderson! Score!

Q: My parents found some drugs in my room. They’re super pissed. What should I do?

A: If I were you, I’d tell them that it wasn’t mine. Like: hey, those aren’t my pants, I just bought them. Or, I think some homeless person must have snuck into my room to hide their drugs there. Or, those aren’t drugs. It’s baby powder. I put it in my shoes sometimes. You know, something believable. If they still don’t believe you, just admit that you have a “problem” and go to rehab for like, ten minutes.

Q: I’m sick of being treated like a kid- I want people to see me as an adult. What do I do?

A: First, get naked. Do a photo shoot. But be sure it’s done in a classy way. Like, when I decided to pose naked, I did it in a blonde wig, just like Marilyn Monroe. Super classy. Or, make it arty like when Kim Kardashian wore that body paint. People will think you’re really deep. Also, don’t be afraid to play a stripper. I did, and after that, no one saw me as a kid anymore. In fact, Mickey Mouse officially disowned me.

Q: My mom is super-strict. How do I get her to let me do more stuff?

A: Probably the best thing to do is get really famous and make your mom your manager. Then, she can’t tell you what to do, because you’re paying her bills. Without you, she’d be poor and stuff. Not only will you be able to do whatever you want, but she’ll make up bullshit excuses for your behavior! It’s awesome!

Q:  I’ve been thinking about getting plastic surgery, but everyone says I’m too young. What do you think?

A: In Hollywood, there’s a saying: “You’re never too young to be exploited for profit, or to have plastic surgery”. You want to make sure that you never look old. If you start having Botox at twenty, you’ll never get a wrinkle. It’s like, scientifically proven that your boobs start to get all floppy when you get to be about twenty-five, so you’ll want to fix them before that. Remember, if you’re not beautiful, you won’t be famous, and if you’re not famous, your parents won’t love you.


1 Response to “Dear Lindsay”

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