Leo DiCaprio to Hold Casting Calls for New Girlfriend

Right after the news broke that Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Rafaeli ended their five-year relationship, we learned that Leo will soon be holding casting calls for his new girlfriend. There are currently castings scheduled in New York, Los Angeles, London and Milan, although more locations may be announced soon. Lest you should decided to attend, we’ve discovered that all potential girlfriends must possess the following qualities:

-At least 5’9

-Weigh 100-125 lbs

-Have had a high-profile modeling career for at least three years

-Foreign born and semi-exotic but still white (i.e. Gisele)

-19-25 years of age

Top candidates will have appeared in Victoria’s Secret, although up and comers with potential will be considered.

Advertisements

Boy Meets World: Where are They Now?

The last time we saw our favorite kids from Philly, Cory, Topanga, Shawn and Eric had moved to New York City. Did they survive life in the big city? Did Mr. Feeny find another group of students to give very special lessons to? Read and find out!

Topanga

During her internship at the law office, Topanga realized that becoming a lawyer was truly her life’s calling, and fully dedicated herself to her studies. She went to school full time and worked part time at a health food store while Corey waited tables with Shawn. After several years of hard work, Topanga passed the bar and became a very successful criminal defense attorney.

It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, and soon the stress began to eat away at her. When she landed her job, Cory immediately quit his and took to their couch. Every day, Topanga had to come home to Cory lying in his own filth. Before she could even set down her powerful lady briefcase, Cory would immediately whine to her that they “Never spend any time together” and, “Is this marriage going to work?”

Bags began to form under her eyes, and her precious hair began falling out in chunks. Then, one day in court, the hippie switch buried deep inside of her flipped. While in court, Topanga immediately flung off her shoes and began to do yoga in front of the witness stand. When her downward facing dog caused the judge to find her in contempt of court, Topanga fled the scene and boarded the first ethanol-fueled bus she could find. She didn’t call Cory or even leave him a note, leaving everyone to wonder, is this the end of Cory and Topanga?

Cory

Corenelius “Cory” Matthews thought he had it made. While Topanga supported him with long hours at the law offices, he quit his job and stayed home eating pizza and watching daytime television. And that was just fine with him. At first… He began to miss Topanga, and this magnified his neurotic tendencies. When she would come home, he would question her love, complain that they didn’t spend enough time together. But he would back down whenever Topanga threatened to quit her job. He didn’t want to mess up his slovenly lifestyle.

When Topanga snapped and never returned home, Cory panicked. How could he survive without Topanga? He enlisted the help of his best friend Shawn and his brother Eric to track her down. Cory had an idea of where she might be- her family’s old vacation spot upstate. They started their journey on a bus, which was hijacked. Cory stood up shouting that nothing would come between him and Topanga.  A piece of luggage fell from the overhead compartment and knocked him out.  Seizing the distraction, Shawn and Eric took down the hijacker using an old lady’s taser. Then, when the police confiscated the bus, Cory and crew decided to hitchhike upstate. After riding with a few scary drivers, they ended up at a small auto repair shop run by one of Shawn’s relatives.

Shawn’s cousin, Stinky Eddie, wouldn’t lend them a car, but offered them the use of Jed, his best hunting dog. Luckily Cory had taken one of Topanga’s scarves with him, so he gave it to the dog to sniff. The boys followed her scent until they found her curled up in a bin of organic beets at a farmer’s market. Her pantsuit was filthy, her face was oily, but her hair had begun to regain its luster thanks to all of the fruits and vegetables. Cory then realized that he needed to do something other than drain her life force if he was going to keep his lady love sane. They decided then and there to move back to Philly together.

Shawn

When they first moved to New York, Shawn slept on Cory and Topanga’s couch. However, soon he began his “I don’t want to be a burden on you, I’m just a poor loser, wah, wah.” He packed up his duffle bag full of belongings and moved into a rat infested Chinatown apartment.  He and Cory worked together as waiters at a local diner in Brooklyn. When Cory quit to sponge off of Topanga, Shawn stayed. While there, he helped out in the kitchen and discovered a love of cooking. Soon, his hillbilly gourmet style became all the rage amongst Brooklyn hipsters who ironically gobbled down his foie gras corndogs and goat cheese and sundried tomato pizza rolls. Business was booming when Shawn got the call that Topanga was missing. He abandoned the restaurant to go look for her. While Topanga and Cory went back to Philadelphia, Shawn stayed in New York for a couple of months until his codependency got the better of him and he moved back too.

Topanga was now doing some pro bono work, and Cory was working at his father’s failing sporting goods store Matthews and Sons. Then, they heard the news that Chubby’s was closing. Together, they pooled together enough money to buy it. Cory became the manager/owner, and Shawn became head chef/owner. They renamed the restaurant Brothers.

The restaurant continues to be the popular hangout for Junior High kids in the area. In fact, it’s done so well that just last year, Shawn was finally able to purchase his first stationary home next door to Cory and Topanga’s.

Eric

When he arrived in New York, Eric rented a room from a French literature professor/drag queen named Honor de Ballsack. Eric looked around the city for a job, but was unsuccessful. Then, one day he stumbled into an audition at Good Day New York for a weatherman. He nailed it! But there was one catch. The higher ups at the station had decided that they wanted a weather woman, not a weatherman. Eric left, hanging his pretty head. When he told Honor about the setback, Honor came up with a solution- if they wanted a weather girl, then Eric would become a weather girl! With a wig on his head, and heels on his feet, Eric (now Erin) hobbled into the studio the next day and got the job. Things were going great, until he fell for a female intern.

One night when they were the only ones in the studio, Eric kissed her and revealed his maleness. Unfortunately for him, the intern was a lesbian who outed him the next day. Eric left the studio in shame. After he helped Cory and Shawn find Topanga, he decided to leave New York behind.

Eric moved back to Philly and began taking online courses in meteorology, in the hopes of one day becoming a weatherman. As himself.

George “Mr.” Feeny

After Cory and crew graduated, George decided to retire. But he soon began feeling restless. All his life Feeny had had a secret passion for antique erotica, and with his wife’s blessing, they opened their store, The Golden Clam. They are currently developing a reality show based around the business for TLC. George and his wife sold their house next to the Matthews family only to unknowingly purchase another next door to Cory and Topanga. He secretly hopes to die before their children can speak so he won’t have to give them life advice.

Morgan

The story of Morgan is the deepest, darkest secret of the Matthews family. One day at the mall, Amy slipped into a dressing room to try on an awesome oversized denim jacket. When she emerged, Morgan was gone. After an exhaustive three-hour search, the Matthews family decided to cut their losses. They popped into a local orphanage, found a girl that looked sort of like her, and began calling her Morgan. They all made a secret pact to never mention original Morgan again. New Morgan, happy just to have a home, went along with it, but as she got older she began to wonder what happened to that first Morgan. So, she began to search for the truth behind her adopted family’s back.

When new Morgan found old Morgan, old Morgan was in prison. She revealed to new Morgan that ever since that fateful trip to the mall (she was in the food court the whole time- the one place they forgot to check) she lived on the streets. She started pick pocketing, and then fell into the trap of gang violence, drugs and harder crime. Once released from the clink, original Morgan was reunited with her family and released the memoir Girl Meets World. The book was a massive success and even landed new Morgan on Oprah. However, when the mighty Oprah discovered that new Morgan had embellished parts of her story, she tore into Morgan like a double bacon cheeseburger.

It turns out that after she went missing, a new, richer family adopted her. Instead of a hardened criminal, old Morgan was a little brat who was in jail when new Morgan found her because she shoplifted a Coach purse from the mall. Eventually both families forgave the Morgans, and the girls are even developing a television show based on their experiences, A Tale of Two Morgans.

Amy and Alan

Alan continued to run his sporting goods store Matthews and Sons for a few years until a WalMart moved in across the street. Amy and Alan decided to sell the business. When Cory bought Chubby’s, he asked Alan to co-manage it with him. Alan agreed. Amy continues to be the hottest mom on the block with the worst haircut.

Jack and Rachel

When we last saw them, Jack and Rachel had traveled to Guatemala with the Peace Corps. Everything was going fine until Jack contracted Malaria. When he awoke, he thought he’d find Rachel. Instead, he found a note that read: Dear Jack, when I thought you were going to die, I didn’t really care. I guess that means I don’t love you. Goodbye. Jack later found out that she had met a dashing Guatemalan who also happened to be a drug lord. Upset, Jack left Guatemala and decided to travel the world. While in Paris, he ran into Angela. They drank too much wine and spent a night together, but decided they could never speak of it, as it would destroy Shawn. Jack is now developing a travel show he wanted to call Jack Meets World, but scrapped it after Morgan’s similarly named book was burned by housewives across the country at Oprah’s urging. No one has heard from Rachel, she is presumed dead.

Angela

Angela moved around Europe for a while and didn’t think much about her old life until she ran into Jack in Paris. After Jack left, she began thinking about Shawn, and soon found an article about him and his New York restaurant. Angela decided that she had to see him one last time and flew to New York. However, by the time she got there, Shawn had already left for Philly. Angela wrestled with whether or not to pursue it further, and finally, she went. She found Shawn standing outside his new home saying, “Do I deserve this?” Angela of course tapped him on the back and said, “Of course you do.” They began dating again and have plans to marry. To this day, Shawn has no idea about her fling with Jack. She worries that the wedding will be very awkward.

A Royal Wedding Happened Today!

All eyes were on Cincinnati, Ohio today as Fred Mickson, son of Joe Mickson, the used-car king of the Midwest, finally wed his longtime girlfriend Joanne Dimms. Fred and Joanne met while they were both students at Ohio University. Everyone expected Fred to choose a wife with royal blood such as Ginger Finger, daughter of Phineas Finger, the Sausage King of Ohio. But when Fred met Joanne in Art History class, he knew that even though she was a commoner, she was the one for him. After nine years of dating, Jared received the blessing of his grandmother, the original Mixon Used Car Queen, and popped the question. The ring was a one-carat heart-shaped stunner from Jared: The Galleria of Jewelry.

Ever since the news of the wedding broke, people have been speculating about all aspects of the event. First, we learned that there would be an open bar, but only beer and wine would be served.  Next, people went crazy when their save-the-date cards allowed them to access the couple’s wedding website on TheKnot.com which was described by a lucky guest as “Super classy.” Then, it was discovered that they would play the “Electric Slide”, but not the “YMCA”. Now, the other details can finally be revealed:

Wedding dress designer: David’s Bridal

Maid of Honor: Joanne’s bitter, never-before-married sister Justine.

Flowers: Pink and white daisies.

Entertainment: Joanne’s second cousin who DJs on the weekends.

Food: Choice of chicken or beef with a side of roasted potatoes

First dance song: My Heart Will Go On.

First person to fall down drunk: Joanne’s college roommate Ellen.

Cake: Chocolate with vanilla icing.

First person to vomit on themselves: Fred’s drunk-for-the first-time cousin Andrew.

We’ll update with more news from the wedding of the century as it becomes available. If you’d like to send the royal couple a gift, they are registered at Target and Bed Bath and Beyond. Reportedly they’d really, really like one of those KitchenAid mixers.

Camilla Parker Bowles’s Magic Mirror Assures Her That She is the Fairest of Them All

The clamor over the upcoming royal wedding and the new Princess-to-be Kate Middleton, has left Camilla Parker Bowles feeling a little insecure. To fulfill  her constant need for compliments, Prince Charles purchased his wife a magic mirror. At first the mirror wanted to tell Camilla that on the fairness scale, she fell somewhere between Fergie and Charles’s half-ogre fourth cousin the Royal Family keeps chained up in a tower. But after a swift threat with the hammer, it quickly told Camilla that she was the fairest royal in all the land. However, some insiders have become a bit concerned over Camilla’s obsession with her new mirror. Reportedly, she sits in front of it night and day, and those closest to her are worried what the mirror will say when Kate officially becomes a member of the Royal Family and the lie becomes much too great. An alert has gone up warning those close to Kate Middleton to prevent her from eating any apples on her wedding day, especially if they are hand delivered by old hags.

An Excerpt From Gwyneth Paltrow’s Cookbook

A little while ago, we showed you an excerpt from Gwyneth Paltrow’s upcoming children’s book Princess Perfect. Now, we have an excerpt from her new cookbook. After reading this, it’s no wonder people are calling her the prettier, more down-to-Earth Martha Stewart!

Gwyneth’s Grilled Cheese


Sometimes after a three-hour dance workout and a Vogue photo shoot (in the same day!) I just don’t have the time or the energy to watch my private chef prepare an elaborate meal. So, I relish those recipes that are quick and that the children love. Here is one that is so simple and easy, even the nanny can whip it up in a pinch.

Send your assistant or grocery concierge to pick up the following items at the local upscale farmer’s market or Whole Foods (if you’re shopping on a budget):

1 kilo Caciocavallo Podolico cheese. You may have to fly this in from Italy. If you don’t have your own private plane for cheese runs (I myself am sharing my cheese jet-this economy!), you can substitute any quality cheese. My children adore this farm fresh cheddar made from the milk of an albino cow that lives in a Scottish castle. It’s only available once a year, but at $500 a lb, it’s quite affordable!

5 ounces white truffles, shaved

1 loaf of sourdough bread. But make sure that it’s freshly prepared by your live-in baker in your backyard bread oven. A splurge, I know, but so totally worth it!

Feel free to add any of the following if you have them lying around the house: caviar, foie gras, Wagyu beef, or lobster.

Once grilled, adorn the bread with a bit of edible gold leaf.

Once the ingredients are assembled, sit back, have a glass of wine and wait as your chef prepares your meal. Be sure to call the children to dinner and don’t be upset if they ask to take their plates upstairs to eat with their nannies. Also, don’t be upset when you hear the children call their nannies Mommy. It’s certainly just a phase, right?

Then, smell your sandwich, or, if you’re feeling naughty, have a bite. Yummy! My mother used to have our cook make this for me as a little girl, so it brings back such wonderful memories. Then, if you decided to have that bite, it’s time for another three hours of dance aerobics to burn off the calories!

Top Actresses Vie for the Role of a Lifetime

The film rights to the life story of Joanne Pommers were recently sold, and actresses all over Hollywood have been scrambling for the role.

Joanne was born blind in a Las Vegas brothel to a drug addicted prostitue mother. Joanne would stumble around the brothel, bumping into things, until a kindly older Hispanic woman helped train an adorable golden retriever puppy to be her Seeing Eye dog. After her mother died of a drug overdose, Joanne was moved to an orphanage where she was cared for by stern faced nuns.

Despite these obstacles, Joanne rose to the top of her class and even became a world-class pole vaulter. Her Olympic dreams were dashed, when she walked in front of a competitor who speared Joanne’s leg with her pole. Joanne had the leg amputated and after working her way through college, she dedicated herself to a life of charity work.

During her travels, she was kidnapped by South American guerillas, almost died of malaria, discovered a rare plant that may unlock a cure for herpes, fought a man in China who was trying to kill a panda bear, and adopted ten babies from impoverished, racially diverse nations, most of whom have physical or mental handicaps.

When she returned to the U.S. Joanne fell in love with a Midwestern high school football coach with a heart of gold whose face was terribly scarred in a childhood fire. He didn’t let her touch his face until the wedding night. When she did, Joanne wept and said, “You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever felt.”

Then, a few nights after the wedding, one of Joanne’s children died of a rare type of lead poisoning, which set Joanne on a crusade for cleaner water in her community, despite an evil corporation’s best efforts to stop her.

Joanne’s book about her life, Blind Ambition, is already a New York Times bestseller.

Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Sandra Bullock and Melissa Leo are all said to be possible candidates.

Adele Offered Reality Show, Replies ‘No Thanks, I’m Actually Talented’

Singer Adele’s new album 21 is steadily climbing the US charts, but there are some people that think she could benefit from more exposure. Ryan Seacrest, the biggest little man in reality television, recently pitched the idea of a reality show to Adele and her management. We obtained a transcript of their conversation.

Ryan: Adele, baby, hi!

Adele: Hello.

Ryan: Love the new album. It’s fantastic!

Adele: Thank you. I worked really hard on it.

Ryan: But you know what you need? More fame. And you know how you can get it? Two words: reality television.

Adele: Oh, I don’t know.

Ryan: Get this. A recent poll found that Americans don’t acknowledge a person exists unless they’re on TV.

Adele: Is that true?

Ryan: Yeah, I read it on the Internet. Now listen. I can make you as famous as the Kardashians.

Adele: The who?

Ryan: Ha! You’re hilarious! Now, you’ll need a couple of things. Do you have a less attractive sister? A domineeting mother? How about another one with a douchebag boyfriend? How do feel about getting plastic surgery on TV? Ever considered butt implants?

Adele: Plastic surgery? What exactly do these Kardashians do?

Ryan: You know, they’re famous.

Adele: Are they actresses?

Ryan: They act like they’re real human beings. They’re pretty convincing too!

Adele: Singers?

Ryan: Well, Kim did record a single. The computer did most of the singing, but you could buy it on iTunes!

Adele: You know what Ryan, I think I’m going to go.

Ryan: What? But we could get you a sponsorship deal from a diet pill company! Or, we can arrange for you to date a professional athlete! Come on, everyone wants their own show!

Adele: No thanks, I think I’m going to pass. I’m actually talented.


Archives

counter for wordpress

Contact us: byoufat@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter: @BitchYouFat

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 4 other followers


%d bloggers like this: